Have you ever felt like you’ve seen a part of yourself that you don’t like and want to run away from? For me, that’s what I’ve called my “edge.” I’ve also referred to it as this cold, old woman. I can see her in the mirror when I’m expressing her pain in my life, and I feel chilled to the bone.
It’s the “edge.” This rough exterior, rooted in fear, that keeps me from being in tune with who I really am and the love I desperately need to be in touch with.
Sometimes I’ve tried to cast it out of me, other times journal or cry my way through it, and as the title of this post alludes to…praying that the Father would simply take it away from me.
I once read this book, called Trust or Control, which I genuinely do recommend for women to read. The author talks about a spirit of control that cripples most women and blocks their inner gentleness from being expressed. Which in turn, corrupts their marriages, families, and other relationships. I know I personally can attest to how this has harmed my marriage and likely other relationships too. Most importantly I’d say, my relationship with God.
I think about my edge being trauma. I think about it being fear. I think about it being a defense mechanism that has learned to cope with people not loving her and caring for her in the way she’s truly needed.
To be honest, I’ve spent a long time in my Christian walk feeling somewhat isolated in the needs of my heart and my own understanding and experience of God. While some people might be able to just hold onto a mental picture and move forward in faith, I’ve been more adept at needing to expose my heart before God so that I can actually experience His presence and comfort, and then move forward from that place.
It actually feels quite crippling to live a life outside of true vulnerability and openness with God. I find that when I do…when I try and just hide my pain or push through it, I begin to feel alone, angry, and confused in my own pain. My heart is crying out for something, but I’m ignoring the calls and growing further and further away from myself.
I am a tender person, deep down. I am what I suppose someone would call “emotional” or even an “empath.” I feel deeply.
I can’t say that I’ve learned how to live a life this way, in a way I trust that is consistently and genuinely fruitful and capable in relationship with God and others, but I do have a hope that I’m on that journey.
Because whenever I shut myself down from this place, I start to feel separate, closed, alone.
And if I let fear begin to seep in and control my heart, it’s only a matter of time before I’m that cold, old woman looking at myself in the mirror. The one I want to run away from.
It’s a scary thing to look in your eyes and feel like you don’t know yourself.
I hope that continues to become less and less of my personal experience in life.
What that requires? For me… a vulnerable heart. A place of honesty with God, a place of gentleness with myself, a place of expression in what my heart is actually experiencing.
A place of trust.
That is the place where I belong, the place where I feel I am truly at home in myself.
<3
Do you ever feel this way? Do you have an “identity” you find yourself wearing that isn’t who you truly are? Please feel free to share more of your experience or comments in the section below :)
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